My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
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Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.
It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]
Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.
6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?
Me:
[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
My doctor says I only have one diabete.