I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
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“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”
But we’re in love!
“It is forbidden!”
*whale elopes with submarine*
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
[jungle]
Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.
Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.
Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
The biggest laugh at a joke I’ve ever received was on a plane to Amsterdam.
I was on a KLM flight, and the Heineken tall boys were free. When I asked for my fourth, the flight attendant asked me if I think I’d had enough.
I replied, ” Am I gonna have to fly the plane later?
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.