ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
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The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello
kidnapper: pls stop talking
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.
whatcha thinkin bout
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
58.
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today