[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
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wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”
Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry
Harry: i’m a what
Hagrid: a blizzard
Harry: a what
Hagrid: a scissors
Harry: what
Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
Me: There’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.
*puts a spider in the soup*
Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.
Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.