I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
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Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.
5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?
modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
3% human
97% stress
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
Stop making fast and furious movies.
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim