Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
You Might Also Like
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.
I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
#Caturday
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want oneMy ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?
Jesus: this is my body
disciples: *eat bread*
Jesus: this is my blood
disciples: *drink wine*
Jesus: I also made brownies
Judas: but I have diabetes
Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame
“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.