Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
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[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
looks legit
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?
Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart
Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.
Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.
NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.