She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
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Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.
GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?
[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]
ME: car his keys.
[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
Me: I’m Gen-X
Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now
Me: No, it means I…
Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*
My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*
I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.
One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!