ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
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Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
A letter home from Burning Man:
“My Dearest Martha:
I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
Chemical wingman
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.
Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
Her: What’s your type?
Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.
Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.