I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
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Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
What kind of a cult is this?
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: THERE’S CHRISTMAS PAPER AND BOWS ALL OVER
DOG 911: Your human let u eat it?
DOG: NO
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
Mary brought in donuts.
Jim took the only Boston Cream.
Jim knows those are my favorites.
I slipped a laxative into Jim’s coffee.
I pulled the fire alarm.
We are on the 39th floor.
Jim should learn to be more considerate.
I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:
What even are olives, like a fish or something?
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
Big Bad Wolf: I’m here for the cookout
Three Little Pigs: We’re not letting you in
Big Bad Wolf: This blows. Heeeeyyy, wait just a minute!
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
I mean…but I did
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need