“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
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My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”
DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals
GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.
Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?
Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
“I SWEAR TO GOD, SANTA WILL FLING HIMSELF OVER THIS HOUSE LIKE A SPEED BUMP IF YOU DON’T STOP FIGHTING.”
— Advent door 21
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
What?!?
This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it