If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
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Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
[commercial for gymnastics]
Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
what does he know…
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
[parking lot in the 80’s]
*man appears to be having a heart attack*
MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR
ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!