me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
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Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-*wakes up*
When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
My husband said I use a lot of makeup, so I showed him some makeup tutorials on tiktok and I don’t think he’ll be making that mistake again.
[talking to a date]
“I hate rushing into relationships.”
[talking to a new friend]
“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”
*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*
•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive*JOB INTERVIEW*
INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get
me: what do you mean
[2 hard lemonades later]
me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
[chopped]
Judge 1: this is disgusting
Judge 2: the chicken is raw
Judge 3: why are there froot loops
[the rat under my hat starts biting me]
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.