Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
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No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”
Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*