Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?
Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night
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If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.
It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.