Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
You Might Also Like
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.
So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.
Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?
Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?
Me: sure!
Husband: any ideas?
Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?
Husband:
Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?
Husband:
Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
millipede mobster [raising guns]: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
going ballistic. anyone need anything?
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.