A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
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Me: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Husband:
*3 hours, one x-ray and $156 later*
Doctor: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
when i’m stressed out it really helps to hold all the world’s bad news six inches from my face til 2am
Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
me: they both taste exactly the same
morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?
me: OH MY GOD
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
[Olive Garden]
Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Me: Huh?
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
How do dragons blow out candles?
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers