My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
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*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
*watching movie with demon killer clown*
Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.
I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.
The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
Boating season is upon us.
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?