A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”
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My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
A: Sorta
Q: Will you get naked?
A: Yes
HIRED!
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
Them: Mr. Scholl-
Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR
Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
My heart skips a beat and my hands clench. Lips quivering, I lower my gaze to the ground. Faced with the truth, the disappointment I feel rips through my gut like the sharpest of blades. I HAVE DROPPED MY CHEESE.
Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.
Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.
My best friend just sent me a picture she saw on Facebook and I was all like,”is this the new school board?” And she was like, “um, isn’t that your son and the mock trial team?”
Anyway, I’m a REALLY GREAT mom.
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
We’re currently showing our home & still living there.
My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”
I preheated the oven to make dinner.
We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.