Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
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Finally, an instrument I can play!
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?
Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?
You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?
*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.
{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.
I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.
It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
before you call me an idiot consider this: i know
Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks
I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer