“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*
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Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?
Me: Yes but
Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?
Me: What you have to understand is
Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”
ME: can I ask one last question
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot
[gunshots]
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.
Cashiers are always checking me out
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor
No laws when master is gone
My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.