Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
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What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
[several months ago]
BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby
JAY-Z: How many we got
BEYONCÉ: One
JAY-Z: Not a problem
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.