GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
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I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!
The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again
Well, maybe we should get rid of it
The plant? But we just got it
. . .Haha yeah, the plant
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
[MURDER SCENE]
ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief
CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again
Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys