History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
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scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
Relationship- Significant other
Writer- Significant Author
Round Table- Significant Arthur
Corporations- Significant Auditor
Zookeeper- Significant Otter
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
So true for me
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes