The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
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Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.
Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.
‘Dances with Wolves’…
But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.