running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
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Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
Me: This is the worst day of my life.
Her: Really?
Me: *pulls out a spreadsheet ranking every day of my life so far to prove it*
This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”
Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”
I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.
Me: Mmm hmmm
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*
*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*
Genie: please don’t w-
Me: I wish for a third kite
5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.
Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.
[using Apple Pay]
Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple
They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.