Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
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I’M CRYINGGG
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).