[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
You Might Also Like
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
How to draw a duck
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it
Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
Happens to everyone.
literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”
We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms