Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
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I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.
boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
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Somewhere in an alternate universe
The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.