Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
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This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
God: Done
Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?
mom: i ate it
kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that
mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you
kid: oh god no i-
mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover
After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah