Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
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When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.
Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.
Breaking news:
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.