Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.
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I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!
Mom: What? Why are you yelling
Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks
Mom: Grandma’s dead hon
Me: That’s why I’m yelling
Romeo: *is added to DM room*
Juliet: *is taking a room break*
Romeo: *leaves room*
Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
Duck typos.
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*
If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.