People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
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If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
What a chick magnet..
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
me and the Superbowl rn
U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down
ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*
BEE *depressed* holy shit
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?
Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶
Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
And now we wait