Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about
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candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
I could NOT have put it better myself.
You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
Cat: HUMAN IS TIME 2 DO A NEGOTIATE
Me: ok
Cat: IF U LET CAT EAT JUST ONE PLASTIC CAT WILL PROTECT U FROM SPIDERS
Me: I’m sorry but you can’t eat plastic, it’s really bad for you
Cat: FINE. U AM CHOOSE WAR
Me:
Cat:
Me: where are you going
Cat: MAKE ALLIANCE WITH SPIDERS
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.