Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
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I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?
Me: your what?
Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: I’m confused
Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: *crying* someone help me
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
waiter: have you decided
me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds
my date, who is a raccoon: perfect
I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please
Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store
Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
3: Who’s that on your shirt?
Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.
3: I don’t like him.
Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]