You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
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If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas
Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”Cop: …
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW
Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.
Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.
Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.