I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
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According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
my nickname in college
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.