(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
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You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
idk what he going thru but i feel him
He-man has a Masters degree
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
I pray every night that I never become religious…
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
Twitter is an abusement park.
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.
My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck