Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
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I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay homeTomorrow: ok, the floor is lava
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”
-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…
[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
gentlemen, hear me out
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
7:01 AM: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Build your 3 year old a blanket fort.
7:10: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ play house.
7:45: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Resolve conflict between your 3 year old’s toys.
8:20: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Fix the blanket fort.
9:00 AM: Drink cold coffee.
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.
A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”