Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
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“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL
Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
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This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
It’s Easter, I plan to count how many eggs each kid finds.
When they ask where stuff is I’ll remind them how good they are at finding things.
[poker night with the boys]
wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?
m: yes please, chips and beer
w: ok. winning?
m: all pants are off
w: you meant bets, right?
m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?[typing ellipses for a solid minute]
HER: yes
My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinkingPATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*