Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
You Might Also Like
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
Sign of the day..
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
Meeeee too!
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
Onion rings.
I pick up the onion. “Hello?”
I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.
“No, babe. It’s an onion.”
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.
I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.
My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.