I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
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[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
LA today:
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
me refusing to leave twitter
*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
Unexpected Judgment
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
I was up all night reading about insomnia
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will