1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
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Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF
Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]
Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—
“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.
A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.