I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
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normal people kissing:
•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the worldpeople with glasses kissing:
•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.
Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?
Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.
Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls
struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles