We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth
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My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
when you are just born a rebel
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.
FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.