*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
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Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*
genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?
mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye
genie: *looks at the lamp*
lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*
genie: i for an eye 🙂
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”Coronavirus: LOL.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
My guardian angel deserves a raise
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Is the sacrifice I made for 9 months not enough? Sharing my body and nourishing a child twice didn’t prove my level of unselfishness? Why must I constantly give and give and-
Husband: JUST LEAVE THE LAST TWO WAFFLES FOR THE KIDS YOU’VE ALREADY HAD 8
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
Me: I want to-
Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!
Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!
Boss: Ok good. Go on
Me: I want to stop working here
wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?