Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
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Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
For anyone who needs this today
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
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[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
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