COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
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KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat
Her: “chicks dig scars”
Wolverine: “damn it”
[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.
The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.