Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
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[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
Let’s ride.
So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.
WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
Cartman: Respect my
a a
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
my name if I was in the mob
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car