I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
You Might Also Like
I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”
This is a sub tweet
BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
Living the best life.. 😊
Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”
I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.